BarackObamaStoleMyPuppy: Mothball Uncle Festus Now

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Mothball Uncle Festus Now

Watching the parade of grimaces, winces, eye rolls, smirks and snorts play out across John McCain's face during last night's debate, was like watching someone in the midst of a full out Tourette's episode. More and more John McCain reminds me of Great Uncle Festus (GUF). I suspect everyone has one. You know the really ancient, embittered elderly bachelor uncle, who smells like eau de cat pee and mothballs.

Great Uncle Festus is only brought out a few times a year, not because he lives so far away, but because that's about as often as anyone can stand to see him. Every year, despite numerous lectures, GUF launches into a tirade about the last great war, "D**n Hippies," and the good old days, when you could buy a Baby Ruth for a nickel. Well at least I can say this about him, GUF provides some fairly predictable entertainment, especially if you're into tragicomedy. He always leaves the kids' table in stiches.

Do I really need to say it out loud? Okay, I'll be the one to say it. It's time to put Uncle Festus on mothballs...now.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Pretty funny. I was thinking of the TS angle too, since I, myself had a moderate motor tic disorder during adolescence. And you're right, McCain does look like an overgrown baby. Goo goo gah gah.; October 16, 2008 at 7:37 PM

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Bullfighter from Gnash Equilibrium wrote

Barack Obama Made a Potty Mouth of Me

One awful day when I was the tender young age of seven and Barack Obama was a mean thirteen, we were traveling on a bus together. How we got to travel together, I don't recall. Either he threw my Mom and Dad under the bus or he ate them; the events I will describe left me so traumatized that I don't know who my parents were. And I think Barack Obama erased my memory, just so I would never remember the time I was better off than I am now.Anyway, I was a little nervous so I was kicking the seat in front of me, when an old man who was sitting in it turned around and said "Get off my back, you bratty little f****r!" Imagine a seven-year old small town boy being exposed to those words - and Barack Obama didn't cover my ears! A few minutes later, I was watching the young woman next to the old man playing with the old man's hair. I asked Barack Obama why the mean old man's daughter was petting his head, and he told me he thought she was his wife. I looked at him and asked, "You mean, they have sex and make babies together?" And Barack Obama said "Yeah, I think so." Eeeeygghhh! Yuck! I felt I had been exposed to a pedophile, and Barack Obama didn't even put his hand over my eyes!Then the woman told the mean old man that his hair was thinning out, and he started yelling. He roared: "At least I don't plaster on makeup like a trollop, c**t!" Everybody in the bus turned and looked at them, which means also at us, as we were sitting right behind them. That made me nervous; I knew I had just heard something I wasn't supposed to hear. So I asked Barack Obama what a "trollop" was, and he said, smirking, "Hey, you should ask about 'c**t' first!" Can you imagine!? "C**t first!" Until that day I was a good small-town boy who went to church and target practice every Sunday, and now I was suddenly forced to grow up and become a prisoner of sin and blasphemy - and all because of Barack Obama!I have been a prisoner of Wicked And Revolting language - a prisoner of WAR, for short - all my life, and I am so wretched that I can't get up in the morning or go to sleep without swearing at somebody. It was Barack Obama who traumatized me so, when I was just seven, that I will never get that awful phrase "C**t first!" out of my head. And now Barack Obama made it worse because he is running for President, and that other guy who is also running for President - see how Barack Obama influences people, they want to immitate him and do the same bad things he does - yeah, that other guy, he keeps saying something that sounds like "C**t first!" all the time, and he looks like the mean old man on the bus, and I can't escape from the prison of turpitude in which Barack Obama locked me up that awful day when I was the tender young age of seven.
bullfighter

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This harrowing account was reported by Tracy

Barack Obama Ate Up All My Collard Greens

Well, you know he’s been canvassing the countryside, looking for votes. He had my vote until he parked his little narrow feet up under my dinner table and… well, just let me tell you what happened.

I was sitting on the front porch after Sunday morning service, picking my greens, and up walks this skinny little ol’ thing , talking ‘bout “change this and change that.” I had seen him on TV already, and my church members had me convinced that this was the man to vote for come November. But I let him talk ‘till he was all talked out. He seemed to be enjoying himself so.

In and between breaths, I managed to get my greens picked, washed, drained, and into the pot of hamhocks that had been going since dawn. Mind you, this was an industrial-sized pot—the only way to cook a good batch of collards and put your foot in ‘em.

I said to him, “Well, baby, you done talked until dusk. Have you had anything to eat?” He said he hadn’t since breakfast, so I invited him to join me and Ernest for dinner.

I have to think he’s a down-home boy because he tucked his napkin up under his neck just like Ernest did; and he got to eating and talking some more. Well, by the time he was through talking, my whole entire pot of collards was dee-pleted. Just a little pot-liquor was floating down at the bottom. Once I realized what had happened, I gave him a piece of my mind, along with a few choice words. Ernest is a large man. When he saw his meals for the rest of the week was gone, he hesitated for a few seconds, wiped his mouth, got up quietly, and brought back his shotgun.

Lord, I’m so upset. Ol’ Bama done ate up all my collard greens!

Mrs. Alethea May Wilson
Holland, Ohio

BarackObamaStoleMyPuppy

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Mothball Uncle Festus Now

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Bullfighter from Gnash Equilibrium wrote

DC Bob wrote

This harrowing account was reported by Tracy

Helena and David say